101 Funny Quotes That Will Make You Laugh
Are you in need of a good laugh? Whether you’re having a rough day at work or just looking to lighten the mood with friends, everyone could use a hilarious pick-me-up now and then. And what better way to do that than with funny quotes?
These clever and witty one-liners have the power to instantly bring a smile to our faces and inject a much-needed dose of joy into our lives. From witty gems from The Office to side-splitting zingers from Jerry Seinfeld, this compilation is chock-full of 101 of the funniest quotes that are practically guaranteed to have you laughing out loud.
So grab a seat, unwind, and get ready to giggle your way through this article.
For more laughs, check out these lists:
Funny Quotes That Will Make You LOL
1. “Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.” — Sandra Bullock
2. “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” ― Mindy Kaling
3. “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” — Joan Rivers
4. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” — Michael Scott, The Office
5. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis
6. “Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing.” — Dwight Schrute, The Office
7. “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” — Jack Whitehall
8. “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
9. “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing, Friends
10. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” ― Albert Einstein
11. “Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would.” — Neil Gaiman
12. “The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” — Tom Clancy
13. “I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.” ― Oscar Wilde
14. “I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.” — Matt Wohlfarth
15. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” —Jack Handey
16. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” — Isaac Asimov
Funny Quotes for Friends
17. “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” — Garry Shandling
18. “A woman is like a tea bag: You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
19. “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” — Oprah Winfrey
20. “Well, you know what they say: If you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me.” — Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias
21. “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you.” — Rita Mae Brown
22. “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'” ― Groucho Marx
23. “Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.” — Charlotte Whitton
Funny Quotes About Aging
24. “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” — Graham Norton
25. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” — George Burns
26. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” — Joan Rivers
27. “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” — Lucille Ball
28. “Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin’ across your face.” — Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
29. “Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.” — Stanley Hudson, The Office
30. “People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.” — Dolly Parton
31. “Look, you didn’t ask me for my opinion, but I’m old, so I’m giving it anyway.” — Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
32. “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” — Jerry Seinfeld
33. “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” — Sir Norman Wisdom
34. “The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.” — Betty White
35. “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board.” —Betty White
36. “I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.” — George Carlin
Funny Quotes About Marriage
37. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey
38. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
39. “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.” — Pauline Thomason
40. “If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” — Aldo Cammarota
41. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” — Albert Einstein
42. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
43. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” ― Phyllis Diller
44. “The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” — Dolly Parton
45. “As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy.” — Ralphie May
46. “It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, ‘Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don’t lean back in your chair.’ Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along.” — Erma Bombeck
47. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Shirley MacLaine
48. “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” — Jean Illsley Clarke
49. “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” — Oscar Wilde
Short Funny Quotes
50. “My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.” ― Winston S. Churchill
51. “I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” — W.C. Fields
52. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard
53. “Reality continues to ruin my life.” ― Bill Watterson
54. “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” ― Mae West
55. “I’ve had great success being a total idiot.” ― Jerry Lewis
56. “Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” — Samuel L. Jackson
57. “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” ― Will Rogers
58. “Don’t be so humble — you are not that great.” ― Golda Meir
59. “Instant gratification takes too long.” — Carrie Fisher
60. “I love mankind… it’s people I can’t stand!!” ― Charles M. Schulz
61. “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” — Oscar Wilde
62. “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” — Judith Martin
63. “All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” — Alexander Woollcott
64. “You can kid the world, but not your sister.” ― Charlotte Gray
65. “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” — Fran Lebowitz
Funny Quotes About Parenting
66. “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” — Jerry Seinfeld
67. “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” — Erma Bombeck
68. “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” — Damien Fahey
69. “If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” — Reese Witherspoon
70. “The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” — George Carlin
71. “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.” — Phyllis Diller
72. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller
73. “It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” — Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls
74. “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” — Paula Poundstone
75. “It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” — Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls
76. “Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes.” — P.J. O’Rourke
77. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” — Erma Bombeck
78. “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” — Nora Ephron
Funny Quotes About Work
79. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” ― W.C. Fields
80. “Everything I have I owe to this job… this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.” — Jim Halpert, The Office
81. “So this is my life — until I win the lottery.” — Jim Halpert, The Office
82. “By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me.” — Miranda Priestly, The Devil Wears Prada
83. “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence — then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
84. “Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
85. “No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
86. “Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.” — Marcelene Cox
87. “I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” — Joan Rivers
88. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams
Funny Self-Care Quotes
89. “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” — Charlie Brown
90. “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” ― Tina Fey, Bossypants
91. “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.” — James Branch Cabell
92. “I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.” ― Bill Watterson
93. “I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” — Kevin Malone, The Office
94. “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands.” — Larry David
95. “I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” — Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias
96. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” ― Noel Coward
97. “Don’t waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living.” — Meryl Streep
98. “Even I don’t wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.” — Cindy Crawford
99. “I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat.” — Pam Beesly, The Office
100. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” ― Oscar Wilde
101. “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” ― Mae West
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